Are all nonsmokers this stupid?

I've noticed an interesting side effect of quitting smoking/taking Chantix.

For the last few weeks, I have been unable to have a complete thought or remember anything more then my name, rank and serial number.

Seriously, It's like I've swallowed a stupid pill. And I'm afraid it may be a little blue stupid pill.

I'm talking about stuff like going to the movie rental place to return the movies, but realizing after I'm in the store that I forget them at home. Making a list for the grocery store, but still forgetting to buy 10 items on the list because I lost the list 1/2 way through shopping. Missing conference calls and play dates completely. Forgetting to pick up kids for soccer practice. Completely forgetting the names of people I have known for years, so I have resorted to calling everyone "Honey" and "Sweetie" and "What's-His-Name".

It's either early dementia or just a serious case of stupid. I'm just praying that it's temporary and will go away soon!

Guess What?

I'm three weeks smoke free!
Yeah, me!

Stress

I'm not having a good day.

I'm pretty stressed out.

It's over something stupid.

Something I can't control.

So I want to smoke.

I know it won't make it better,

but I still want to smoke.

Being a parent isn't fun sometimes.

I hate stress.

But, I hate smoking even more.

I won't smoke.

But, I really, really want to right now.

On The Side

I just wanted to do a quick update on my side effects from Chantix:

Nausea - Is under control. I have my diet down pat and on the few occasions now where I'm feeling a little off after I take the pill I just grab a quick snack and it goes away. It's funny, because eating is the last thing I feel like doing when I'm nauseous, but it works!

Constipation - Is an on going battle. I used to be a cool hip smoker who did shots of tequila and laughed in the face of cancer. Now, I'm a Chantix addicted old lady non-smoker who does shots of Metamucil fiber therapy to stay regular. I need to get my groove back!

Nightmares - Have gone away, at least for now. In my very unscientific study, I noticed that when I stopped taking the anti-anxiety pills (after our trip to Tennessee) the nightmares stopped. Now, I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I'm thinking the nightmares weren't from the Chantix. I still have the "vivid dreams" and frequently wake up during the night to go potty (damn all that healthy water I'm drinking), but I am actually getting some sleep.

Are the side effects worth it? You bet your bippy! :)

Another Day...Nothing to Say

Two weeks smoke free...Yeah me!

I feel this sense of obligation to my blog. It's like I can't let my blog down by not posting for a day even though nothing much is going on. I am a tad quirky, aren't I?

Urges are less frequent and controllable. The key for me is to keep busy and breath through them.

Also, I've noticed that the honeymoon is over. When I finally broke down and told everyone that I quit, it was high fives and congratulations all around. Now, I'm just expected to stay quit. No one asks how I'm doing with it...it's like it's done and over with. But, I'm still battling every day.

I guess it's one of those things that you don't understand unless you've gone through it.

I'm also finding those "Get Quit" emails from the Chantix people to be a little annoying. Today's said something like, "If you slip up, don't quit quiting". Ummm, I haven't slipped up. Are you giving me permission to? Gee, That's helpful!

OK, I think I sound a little cranky today. I'm not sure who pissed in my cornflakes, but I will work on an attitude adjustment before my next entry. Deal? Deal!

Weight Gain

I've been a non-smoker on Chantix for 13 days and I've had to change my eating habits for the pills. They have to be taken on a full stomach, so I've added an entire meal (breakfast) to my normal routine.

I just had the guts to step on a scale. Guess how much I've gained?

Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Still 125 pounds. The same weight I've been for the last 6 years.

So, if you're reading this and still coming up with excuses for why you won't give Chantix a try, you can cross that little worry off the list.

I think all of the walking and water must help. What a relief! :)

By George, I think I've got it!

We're back home again from a smoke and drink free for me wacky weekend!

We had a ton of fun, but came home stinky and tired. It's been a pretty lazy day of napping and unpacking.

I've noticed one thing that I wanted to note: It's much easier to not smoke when I'm not home. As soon as I walk in the door I want to head out to my little happy place in the garage and light up.

I can go for an entire day with hardly an urge, but as soon as I hit home-sweet-home it hits.

I think I need to run away from home at 41. Either that or move.

Also, I still feel like a smoker who's not smoking.

I made a promise to myself before I even quit that I was going to reward my success. I'm going to call in the morning and schedule a little massage for sometime this week.

'Cause you know what? I deserve it! ;)

On the road again...

It's Friday, so I'm back in the office at work clearing the crap off of my desk, voicemail and e-mail so that we can head up north this afternoon for more fun in the sun.

Regarding the drinking and smoking issue...here's what I have decided:

1. I didn't have a drink last night because I didn't trust myself not to smoke.
2. If I didn't trust myself last night, it's highly unlikely that I will trust myself tonight or tomorrow, either.

Let me tell you a quick little tale about the man I married. When we were packing up last night, I asked him if I should bring beer or Captain Morgans and Coke for him to drink this weekend. He asked what I was drinking and I told him I wasn't and why. He said he wasn't going to drink anything either then.

Don't you just love him? I was a pretty smart chick 18 years ago when I took him off the market!

So, I will designate myself as the responsible adult this weekend and I will behave myself for a change.

I hope. ;)

Last Call for Alcohol

Right now
He's probably buying her some
Fruity little drink
'Cause she can't shoot whiskey...

I love that song and I don't even like country. I'm a classic rocker in real life.

Let's chat about drinking. I am a serious social drinker. When we get together with friends, the cocktails flow. I, personally, like drinks that don't really taste like drinks. Fruity martinis. Frosty frozen rummy drinks. And, my current beverage of choice poolside...pink lemonade with Absolute Citroen.

When I drink, I smoke. They go hand in hand. Like Sonny and Cher. Like bread and butter. Like...well..like drinking and smoking.

We are spending the weekend up north with 70 of our closest friends. I know, I know...we just got back from vacation. I lead a tough life, don't I?!?

There will be drinking involved. Lots of it.

Can I handle drinking without smoking? Should I have a little cocktail at home tonight and see how I react? Or, is drinking just another bad habit that will have to go bye-bye with the butts?

Why do I ask questions that there is no answer to and no one to answer?

Hmmmm. I wonder.

Side Effects

Chantix really is a great drug that has made quitting so much easier then going cold turkey. But, to be honest, I have had some side effects.

1. Nausea - I had no problems with nausea in the beginning, but the last two days haven't been fun. It hits within minutes of taking the pill, even on a full stomach with 12 ounces of water. I'm hoping it's just a phase!

2. Constipation - When I first started taking Chantix, I had some diarrhea. Now, I'm stopped up like the Hoover Dam. My input is greatly exceeding my output and it's getting pretty uncomfortable. I'm hoping that being home and on a more "regular" diet will help pop the plug. Too much information? Hey, poop is a big topic of conversation in our family. Now people can tell me I'm full of crap and it's actually the truth!

3. Nightmares - During my research before starting on Chantix, lots of people talked about their "vivid dreams". To me, that didn't sound like a really bad thing. Unfortunately, my "vivid dreams" have actually been pretty crazy nightmares. Bad nightmares. Like Nazi's trying to kill me type of stuff. I've actually sat up screaming in bed, totally freaking my husband out. Last night wasn't really bad. It just involved rats crawling all over my body while I kept yelling "Call the exterminator, damn it!" And, seriously, that's about the best night's sleep I've had in the past week.

So, to sum thing up, quiting smoking with Chantix hasn't been all sunshine and daisy's for me. I'm bloated and crabby from sleep deprivation, but I'm a non-smoker bloated and crabby from sleep deprivation. It's worth it.

Home Sweet Home

We're back from our little family gathering in Tennessee and I am pleased and proud to say that today is my one week anniversary of being smoke free!

I'll update some more on Thursday, but so far so good. :)

Sometimes The Truth Hurts

I picked up my daughter from camp today.

"Mom," she said. "I can't wait to tell C that you quit smoking."

C is a little friend of hers that lives around the block. They play together occasionally.

"Why would C care that I quit?" I asked her.

"Because C has a bookmark that says "Smokers are Losers" and I can't wait to tell her that you're not a loser anymore" was her reply.

Ouch. I've been a loser for 25 years.

One month of Chantix with co-pay $40
Gum, mints and assorted chocolates $5
Becoming a real role model for my daughter = Priceless

What other motivation could I possibly need?

Work Stress

Did you miss me?

Today I actually have to work for a living. I'm hiding in my office blogging because the owner of the company and the office manager are screaming at each other. I'm the vice president, so I'm afraid they're going to drag me into their drama. If I just keep typing away, maybe they'll think I'm really busy doing something important, like making money for the company!

I won't be blogging for awhile because we're heading out on vacation tonight and I won't have access to a computer. I'm packing my willpower, my Chantix and my sense of humor.

Hopefully, that will be enough to get me through the next five days!

Uh-oh...

I just ripped my daughters head off because she was blowing a whistle. Over and over again. It was like fingernails on a blackboard and it was annoying me to the very core of my being. I asked her to stop, but I guess she couldn't hear me over all of that really loud whistle blowing.

I feel bad.

I believe this would fall under the "edgy and irritable" category. Especially since she has had to put up with my singing for the past two days.

Breathe in...hold...release. Repeat. Repeat again. Keep repeating.

This is going to get easier, right?

I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Energy

What happened to all of that fantastic energy I had on Wednesday? Today I am really dragging. Really, really dragging. Like need to go lay down for awhile dragging.

I think I'll just go rest my eyes for a bit.

Day Two

36 hours smoke free. Urges are moderate and controllable.

The singing thing seems to be working for me, but not for everyone around me. I am not a singer. Never was...never will be. I'm not even a very good hummer.

Imagine me driving in the car, windows down, radio blaring and singing "Rockstar" by Nickelback off key at the top of my lungs while all of the other cars around me quickly roll up their windows.

Oh, my poor family. 24 hours in the car to Tennessee and back. Maybe I'll try some show tunes?

Today's keep busy agenda includes paying bills, doing laundry and packing. Don't you just so want to be me right now?!? ;)

Secrets

I decided to tell my husband and daughter that I quit smoking last night at dinner. I'm feeling pretty confident that this is it for me, so I wanted to ask for their support.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Want to hear my big news?

Daughter: Is it about me? (because everything is all about her in her little 8 year old mind)

Me: No, honey bunny, it's my big news.

Husband: Are you pregnant?

Me: Yeah, right. (brilliant guess, vasectomy boy. If I was pregnant, it obviously wouldn't be yours, so I don't think I'd share that particular news over a family dinner of burgers and pasta salad!)

Husband: You got a raise?

Me: I just got a raise a few months ago!

Husband: You quit smoking?

Me: Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

He went out later and bought me flowers. Of course, in his mind, anytime he does something nice for me I should immediately have an uncontrollable urge to "spunky his monkey". Um, not tonight dear. I have a headache. And, that ain't no lie!

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family...

Questions...

I'm breathing through the cravings and keeping busy to keep my mind off of smoking, but here's the thing...

Are the cravings going to ever stop or will I always feel like a smoker who isn't smoking? Do they become less frequent? Less intense?

I have a bit of a headache right now. I think my brain is going to explode from all of the oxygen I'm taking in!

I also ate a lot today. Too much. But, you know what? It's day one, so I'm going to cut myself a little slack.

I have had zero moodiness today. If anything, I've actually been more patient with my daughter. What's up with that?

It's still all good. And, you know what? This is much easier so far than I ever thought it would be.

Timezone

I'm not sure what timezone or twilight zone my blog is in, but I'm in Eastern. Add 3 hours to whatever time it says on my post to enter my world!

Keeping Busy

I think I've accomplished more today then I have in the last few weeks!

Dropped my princess at day camp, got the car cleaned inside and out so it smells fresh, had my nails done, picked up princess from day camp (1/2 day), went to the mall, had lunch, shopped, shopped, shopped, came home to drop purchases off and let the dogs out. Now we're off to get princess a haircut, home for dinner, then off to her soccer practice.

I'm still doing great. I'm taking that edgy feeling and turning it into energy.

Keeping busy and changing up the routine seems to be the trick for me.

14 1/2 hours smoke free. I'm really starting to think I might be able to do this! :)

There's Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

Or, something like that! I can't remember the exact saying, but it's true!

I smoked my last cigarette last night at 11 pm. I kept two for this morning, just in case I needed them when I got up.

Ya know what?

I didn't need them! I think I'm going to flush them away and say "Na-na-na-na-na-na"!

I made it through my whole morning routine without a puff. I took deep breaths and, strangely enough, sang a lot and loudly. I can't sing, so this could be the next annoying habit that I need to break. My daughter kept looking at me strangely, like I gave up cigarettes for crack for something.

Has it been easy? No, but it certainly hasn't been hard, either. I'm not naive enough to think that there aren't going to be bumps in the road, but for right now I'm in a pretty good mental place and I'm feeling fine.

11 hours smoke free. Who'd of thunk?

I'm keeping busy today, but I'll pop in with updates. First stop is the car wash for a complete scrub down inside and out. Imagine, a stink free car!

Keep the happy thoughts coming my way! :)

The Countdown Begins

I'm six cigarettes away from being a non smoker. Isn't that amazing? I sure think so.

I will probably make about 200 posts tomorrow just to keep myself busy.

8/8/07. The first day of the rest of my non-smoking life.

I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Tomorrow

Everybody sing!

Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I quit smoking
Tomorrow
It's only a day away!

Don't I sound all chipper and excited?

I'm not. I'm stressed and not overly confident at the moment. And, truth be told, I'm getting a little pissed off at me.

But, I'm going to be the little engine that could.

I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

Keeping Secrets

I haven't told many people that I am quitting smoking. Just two girlfriends.

I haven't told my husband because I don't want to disappoint him. I know how much he wants me to quit, but I really want to quit for myself. Does that make sense?

You know those people that go on a diet, lose 2 pounds, and reward themselves with a hot fudge sundae? Then, they go on a different diet, lose 3 pounds, and then quit because it's just too hard.

I don't want to be one of those people. When I quit, I'm done. In the past I've even been too afraid to try quitting. Just thinking about it would stress me out enough that I needed a cigarette. I have issues, I tell ya!

I just read a great little saying on a message board that really hit home for me.

"I'm one puff away from a pack a day."

That, my dear friends, is my new life motto.

Quit Date Set

We took a vote (among me, myself and I) and decided that this Wednesday, August 8th, will be my official quit day. Next year I'll celebrate my one year of being a non smoker on 8/8/08! How cool is that!

I took my first 1 mg dose this morning after a breakfast of 2 eggo's plus a big glass of ice water and I have had no side effects. It's all good!

It really feels weird not telling my husband that I'm taking Chantix. He is my best friend and the one who I lean on, so doing this on my own feels strange. I guess I'll clue him in this weekend, if he doesn't notice first!

Quit Date

My new best friend and one woman online support group, Maggie, has informed me that I have to set a do or die quit date.

According to the information in the medication, that date should be tomorrow. Monday, August 6th. The start of my new non-smoking life.

According to my brain, it's not tomorrow. How do I know? Because I just bought two packs of cigarettes at the drugstore. Now, if I was quitting tomorrow, why would I need two packs of cigarettes?

I need to pick a date and it needs to be soon. I'm thinking maybe Wednesday?

We're heading down to visit my family on Friday and will be gone until next Wednesday. That means we'll be driving in a car a total of 24 hours over 2 days (there and back). I don't smoke in the car with my husband and daughter, so that should help right there. I won't have to do the whole "fake like I need to go potty when I really just want him to stop so I can smoke" routine. Man, I'm such an actress. Is there a special academy award for this type of thing? :)

My entire family are non-smokers, so changing my routine and environment should be a good thing, right? This isn't really a fun filled family vacation kind of trip. It's more of an obligation annual visit sort of thing.

Any opinions? Anyone? Hello, is this thing on?!? ;)

Thinking About Quitting?

I just watched this video on you tube and wanted to share it. If you're thinking about quitting, it's some pretty powerful stuff.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=u_8BerrJg0M

I guess I picked the wrong week to quit smoking!

That's one of my favorite lines from "Airplane". That, and "Stop calling me Shirley".

I ended up having an interesting day yesterday. The soccer part went fine.

Last night things kind of went crazy. To make a really long story short, it involved three bad guys, my husband trying to be a super hero and catch the bad guys on his own, nine cop cars and an ambulance at 1 am.

Trust me, we live in a nice, normal neighborhood where things like this don't happen. But last night, it did.

Everything ended up ok. My husband did catch one of the bad guys and the cops caught the other two a few blocks away. They are now enjoying breakfast in a cell.

My nerves are shot. Maybe a double dose of anxiety medication is in order?!?

Stockpiling

I can't be the only smoker who does this, can I?

WARNING: You are about to enter ex-smoker mom's brain. It is a crazy, scary place and could cause you permanent damage. Turn back now, before it's too late. You've been warned!

I'm heading out to princesses soccer scrimmage. It will last three hours. At my current pace of one smoke an hour, I'm thinking I should chain smoke three cigarettes to "build up" my nicotine reserve to help get me through.

See? I'm sick. I know it.

I'm not going to actually do it. I just had to share my thought process.

Sometimes I even scare myself.

Cigarettes do not control me. I control me. I think.

New Hobby

Guess what I did tonight? Nope, guess again. No, wrong again! Give up?

I went on a walk. Not a little stroll...a two and a half hour power walk gabfest with one of my non-smoking gal pals. We dished the dirt and trash talked about all of our neighbors and got ourselves a little fresh air and exercise.

That's right...two and a half hours and I thought about having a cigarette once. It was just a thought...not an oh-my-god-I-have-to-have-one-right-now kind of thought, either.

Walking and water. I think those will be two very important aspects of this plan.

On Saturday, my little princess has a three hour soccer round robin scrimmage in preparation for the fall season. Think I can make it for three hours without sneaking back to my car because "I forgot something"?

Send positive vibes my way in the A.M.!

Rewards

I think I need to motivate myself with some type of reward. If I spent around $8.00 per day on cigarettes and I make it a week not smoking, that's $59.00. Not so exciting. But after two weeks, it would be $118.00, enough for a nice 1 hour massage. Now, that's what I'm talking about!

Working for a living...

Normally, I work 4 days a week for 5 hours each day. During the summer, I only work one day a week in the office and the rest from home. I'm in the office today.

My job is both rewarding and sometimes stressful. I relieve the stress by going outside for a cigarette. Obviously, I need to come up with a new plan. I think I 'm still going to take my smoke breaks, but I'll walk around the office building instead. My smoke breaks are when I clear my head, so a quick walk should do the trick!

Strange Stuff...

So far so good!

Last night was the first time I had to take two pills in one day and I definitely didn't sleep well. I had a hard time falling asleep and once I did I woke up repeatedly during the night. I did have some crazy dreams, too. One was that my husband quit his job to become a magician specializing in balloon animals and arches. The other was that someone stole my purse at the zoo and I knew that it was some girl I went to high school with, but I couldn't remember her name.

I'm still smoking, but less then I normally do. I've noticed that the cigarettes don't taste very good. When I go for longer periods of time without smoking, I don't feel that "stress" that I did.

The pills do make me fill a little "out there". I'm not sure if it's the Chantix or the anti anxiety pills, but I am certainly mellow!